


Round This Goes

by Lightning_the_room, Starspankled



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Jalex (All Time Low), M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-07-24 14:09:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7511342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightning_the_room/pseuds/Lightning_the_room, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starspankled/pseuds/Starspankled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack and Alex have always been friends, but one drunken night changes everything. Sort through complicated feelings, messed up relationships and meaningful tattoos at All Time Tattoos with Jack, Alex, Zack, Rian and of course, Nano.</p><p>*Title Credits* "Growing Pains"- Neck Deep</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! starspankled and I are alternating chapters based on who's Jack and who's Alex. I hope you all enjoy!  
> -Lightning_up_the_room (fiona)

Preface (Mixed Drinks, Mixed Feelings Of Elation): 

Jack glanced at the sleeping brunette curled into his shoulder. Alex looked so much younger asleep, even with the stench of alcohol and sex permeating the room. His hair was getting long again, but Jack still loved it.  
He vaguely thought about the consequences that they would face in the morning, but his drunken mind spun away from those ugly thoughts.  
Jack just wanted to forget the outside world and spend all his time with his best friend.  
Alex shifted closer, curling his head into the space between Jack’s head and shoulder.  
“Why are you still up?” He mumbled. Jack shrugged,  
“Enjoying the view I guess.” He felt Alex chuckle.  
“Well stop it and go to sleep. My impending hangover does not appreciate the staring.” Jack smiled,  
“I have the perfect remedy for a hangover.” He said,  
“Coffee with Bailey’s in it” They said at the same time.  
“You drink too much.” Alex laughed, but quieted quickly. “How’d we get here?” He mused. Jack sighed,  
“Well when a friend of yours gets engaged, you tend to drink a lot.”  
“Shut up I remember that part.” Alex poked Jack’s rib cage. “After that?”  
“I don’t really remember everything, but we were talking in the corner of the bar and then we walked some and then we were having sex.” Alex laughed again,  
“Oh you make it so simple, is that all?” Jack shrugged.  
“Well we’re both drunk.”  
“No duh,” Jack sighed again,  
“I don’t want to think about any of this right now, let’s just enjoy the moment sour puss.”  
“Ok Jay,” Alex said, laying his head back down.  
Within moments, both men were asleep, content in the feel of the other’s heartbeat.  
…

But when morning came, everything went to shit. Of course, Alex was trying his best to keep calm, but he couldn’t remember getting into bed with Jack, let alone having sex with him. So he might have screamed, exacerbating both his own and Jack’s mind crushing hangovers. Jack flipped off the bed from fright, and Alex tried his best to cover himself with the duvet. 

And it wasn’t like Jack hadn’t seen him naked before, because he had. But all of a sudden he felt exposed. It wasn't something he was used to feeling. The entire experience began to feel too real. This wasn’t some stupid fuck up. This could have dire consequences… Because it was all fun and games until someone gets fucked up.

Jack groaned from the floor. Alex panicked even more feeling his lungs constrict painfully in his chest. Fuck, he thought, It’s happening again. First, his hands began to numb and get cold. Then, poof, just like that he was gone. His body didn’t feel like his own. He could hear Jack saying things and he could hear himself responding but he really didn’t know what he was saying. And he definitely didn’t know what Jack was saying.

At some point Alex stopped answering and withdrew into himself. He pulled his covered knees to his chest and laid his head on top of them. Jack knew better than continue to talk to Alex. He needed to give Alex time and space. 

So, Jack went to take a shower and when he eventually came back (he took no more than 25 minutes), Alex was gone and there was a note on the messy bed.

Dear Jay,

See you at work.

-Lex 

…

Jack closed the door to Alex’s apartment behind him and cursed quietly,  
What the hell have we done?  
He had flashes of memory from the night before, skin on skin and whispered words of reverence, but nothing concrete.  
A small part of his brain wanted more, wanted the whole night and cheesey dates and love, but that was impossible with Alex.  
Jack denied his feelings for his best friend, claiming it was just his ever enthusiastic bisexuality coming into play.  
Jack made it to his apartment and opened the door. He was greeted with the sight of a bachelor pad mixed with pictures of his friends. He moved into the kitchen and got the coffee brewing, pulling out the Bailey’s.  
A flash of conversation played through his mind and he wondered what Alex was doing.

Jack was so fucked.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1: Self Medicating in the Quiet of Your Room

An hour later, Jack was breakfasted, dressed and standing outside work. The tattoo shop where he and Alex worked, All Time Tattoos, opened late on Mondays, thankfully, but not late enough for Jack to be ready to face Alex. He gathered his courage and opened the door.

Nano looked up from the front desk at the tinkling of the little bell.  
“You look like shit man.” He said, typing something into the computer.  
“Thanks Nano.” Jack replied sarcastically, rubbing a hand over his face.   
“Seriously Jack, what happened?” Jack looked into the mirror and grimaced,  
“I don’t really feel like talking about it.” He said, moving into his little station.

Jack sighed again and pulled out his mirror and emergency concealer for post one night stands. He covered the hickey on his neck-really Alex?-and the general haggardness of his face. Jack checked the appointment list and saw nothing until 11, which gave him time to draw out whatever was swirling in his head.  
He grabbed his sketchbook and flipped to the earliest blank page. The pencil in his hand tapped on the page a couple of times before he started making random designs across the page. An image began to take shape on the page, a pair of koi fish circling a flower. He imagined that the pale fish was Alex and the dark one was himself, that the dark fish always wanted what it couldn’t have. 

Jack closed his eyes and tried to erase the memories from the night before. He put his sketchbook away and walked into the main studio, just in time to see Alex walk in.  
The two of them foze and stared at each other before Jack cleared his throat.  
“Hey Nano, I’m gonna get some coffee, want some?” He asked. Nano glanced between the two men before turning back to the computer,  
“Sure, why not. Just a small black coffee please.” He said. Jack gathered his courage and turned to Alex.  
“How about you?” He asked, trying to be as normal as possible.  
“Nah, I had some on the way in.” Alex said, holding up a large cup of coffee. Jack nodded and moved past him, inadvertently inhaling Alex’s scent.  
He didn’t even look concerned. Jack thought furiously, Why would he? It was just sex to him. 

“Jack!” Someone shouted. He looked up to see Cassidee in front of the register. “Wow you’re distracted today, late night?” She asked.  
“Uh yeah I guess. You know me, always hung over.” He laughed, feeling empty. “Anyway, can I get a large black iced coffee and a small black coffee?” Cassidee nodded and he paid.  
“It’ll be ready in two minutes.” She said. As he moved towards the pick up section, she grabbed his wrist, “You should get some sleep between appointments today,” She said, “You look really tired.”  
“Wow thanks Cass.” He grinned. Cassidee rolled her eyes and turned to the customer behind him.

Jack walked slowly back to the shop, trying to make the time stretch out. His mind was whirling faster and faster as he got closer, but the coffee was helping him wake up at least.   
“Hey Jack.” Rian’s voice called, “You’re here late today.” Jack turned to his friend and shrugged,  
“Got here earlier actually, but I needed my daily caffeine fix.” Rian laughed,  
“Someday we’ll get you off of that” He mused,  
“Then again,” Jack said, holding the door open for his friend. “Congratulations by the way man. I know I said it last night but Cass and you deserve each other.” Rian looked far away for a moment,  
“You deserve to be happy too Jack.” He replied. “Anyways thanks man.” He shook his head and walked through the door.

Several hours, and tattoos, later, there was a knock on his door,  
“Are you Jack?” A pretty blonde guy asked.  
“That’s me” Jack replied, turning away from his sketchbook to face the man. “Are you Don?” Don nodded and sat down.  
“So Don, what am I doing for you today?” He asked. “I assume you want something in the Irezumi family since you came to me.” Don chuckled awkwardly.  
“Well no actually,” He said, “But a friend recommended you specifically.” Jack raised an eyebrow,  
“Oh?” Jack said, “So what do you want permanently attached to your body?” Don laughed

“Well when you put it that way,” He paused, “It’s kind of cheesey, but I’d like ‘Every moment, every mistake and every laugh has led me here’ going up my ribcage.” Jack blinked, amazed at how much that fit his life philosophy.  
“Sure thing Donny boy, Have a seat in your chair and pull that shirt off.”   
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were flirting.” Don said, complying. Jack laughed and got to work, ignoring the churning feeling in his gut. Was it cheating on Alex if he was a little interested in Don? Was his oldest friendship over?  
“Something on your mind friend?” Jack blinked,  
“What?” Don laughed,  
“You must’ve gotten lost inside there for a minute brother.” Jack huffed and gave a half smile,  
“Just a long night my friend” Don nodded disbelievingly but dropped it. “This is going to hurt, but I promise you’ll love it my man.”   
“Ok, let’s do it.”  
“Just one question.” Jack paused, “Would you be opposed to me embellishing it?” Don thought for a moment,  
“Go for it.” Jack grinned and started the gun.

While he worked, his mind wandered. Jack thought about what he had done to his friendship, his oldest friend. Memories of their times together flashed through his head while he worked. He imagined what Alex would say if he had done it with someone else.   
‘Jack, Jay, stop overthinking it. Just go for what you want’ He shook his head, Alex wouldn’t say that. His mind wouldn’t stop spinning in and out of Alex, their memories and experiences, their possible relationships. He was torturing himself.  
Jack felt his gut start to twist, his hands felt like they were electrified and his heartbeat went out of control. He had enough practice to keep his hands steady, to keep his face unreadable. 

Jack went home after Don had left, with Don’s number and a promise to call. What was he doing with his life? When he walked into his room, he saw the drawings and sketches he was most proud of spread over his wall with pictures of his friends and family. Everything that had happened over the last 24 hours hit him, and he curled up on the bed in a tight ball, wishing the tears would come. 

What had he done? 

After some time, Jack couldn't tell how much, he decided to try and alleviate what happened. Jack rolled off of the bed and went into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and pulled out some leftover chinese food, along with some good whiskey. Bringing everything to the couch, Jack also grabbed his sketchbook and sat down to draw and drink.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2: Everybody Just Thinks I'm Falling Apart At The Seams

Alex closed the door of his apartment behind him, but not without putting on boxers. His legs trembled as he took a seat in the hallway. He looked down at his bare legs and almost burst into tears. He couldn’t handle this. This… Stress. He got up after a moment of deep breathing. He went back inside his apartment, which reeked of Jack. He stood still for a minute and inhaled. He’d never been so happy to feel sick to his stomach.

He stumbled a little as he regained awareness. He gently but quickly sped walked to his room. Alex rummaged through his closet to find something, anything to wear. He picked out a pair of grey sweatpants and a red crew neck sweater. Alex slipped on a pair of dirty white converse before picking up his wallet, keys, and phone. He made a beeline for the door just as Jack turned off the shower. He rushed until he reached the door and silently closed it behind him. 

His heart ached making all the blood that flowed through his veins seem to run cold. The warm summer clashed with his frozen veins. He hissed and wrapped his arms around himself, in an effort to ease his discomfort. But of course things never turned out right for Alex. He was damaged “goods”. He mulled over that harsh truth while unintentionally gritting his teeth. It was hard for him to form friendships, let alone be open enough to be something more with anyone…

Alex walked to Rians apartment without thinking about it. At that point it was a habit that he didn’t know how to kick. He’d walked this path before Rian had met Cassidee and even after. The familiarity of the scenery singed his already burned self perception. Alex didn’t feel good about this decision but he needed a distraction. And of course no one needed to know about this, not that anyone knew about the history that clawed at the back of Alex and Rian’s minds.

When Alex finally made it to Rian’s apartment complex he broke into a run. He was desperate to scrub Jack off of his skin and the night’s memories away. Alex practically broke the intercom buzzer as he impatiently pressed it over and over again with his index finger. Finally, he was buzzed up. He was in such a hurry he didn’t bother taking the elevator. Alex climbed up 5 floors his body moving with purpose. 

Alex ignore the fire in his thighs and ice in his throat. When he reached Rians door it was already propped open. Alex didn’t waste any time in entering Rian’s apartment and making sure the door closed behind him. “Rian,” Alex called, Rian’s name sounded more like a sob than anything else. “I’m in here, just get ready,” Rian called from the kitchen. Alex nodded before he realized that Rian could hear him,” Alright,” he wheezed out.

Alex tried to regain his breath as he toed off his shoes by the entrance of the apartment. He walked into Rian’s room, which was directly across from the front door. Rian’s king sized bed was in the middle of the room, the headboard pressed up against the wall. There was a closet directly in front of the bed, there was a nightstand on either side, and there was a bureau to the right of the door. The room was baby blue, and the sheets on the bed were navy blue. The room was always neat and that particular day was no exception. Alex stood at the foot of the bed with his back turned to the door. He almost felt like a stranger and he almost felt bad. He shook his head and took off his sweater exposing his muscular back.

Alex felt warm hands run up and down his back. He turned around just in time to be kissed, hard. He kissed back as he left his thoughts behind. Alex’s hands made their way up to Rian’s face, as Rian’s hand made their way down Alex’s sweatpants. Rian maneuvered them, so that Alex’s lower thighs were pressed against the bed. Alex’s knees buckled as he lost himself in the way Rian’s hands caressed his body with familiarity. 

Rian knew exactly what to do, where to do it, and when. Rian tugged at Alex’s sweatpants and boxers, exposing Alex completely. For a second Rian just sort of admired Alex’s lewd figure splayed across the bed. This was his best friend, and he was fucking beautiful. Of course, Rian didn’t say that. He shook the thought out of his head and hovered over Alex. He placed an open mouthed kiss on Alex’s swollen lips. 

Their tongues swirled around each others causing a closeness. Rian pressed Alex into the plush mattress. He could feel Alex growing hard against his thigh. In turn he grew hard. Alex broke away from Rian panting. “Stop teasing me,” Alex mumbled as his hips bucked up involuntarily against Rian. Alex was growing impatient. He wanted release and he wanted it then and there. Rian listened taking off the only thing he’d been wearing, boxers. He positioned himself directly on top of a squirming Alex.

Their pelvises were touching causing their dick’s to rub against each other. Rian thrust against Alex with uneven and sporadic movements. Neither of them cared. Alex’s gasps filled the room with every thrust. He was unwinding and unraveling. He could feel himself relaxing as Rian thrust faster and faster. He could feel a warm sensation crawl up his navel. 

Alex whinned, “ Rian, just fuck me or I’m gonna cum.” Rian again, listened to Alex. For a moment he leaned over to the nightstand across from him. He grabbed some lube and a condom. Alex groaned and took the condom from Rian’s hand. He ripped it open and put the condom or Rian’s erect dick, while Rian opened the apparently new bottle of Lube. “Ready?” Rian asked, for a moment wondering if what they were doing was right. 

“ Yeah,” Alex replied moving further up the bed giving Rian more space. Rian lined himself up before thrusting into Alex. Rian moved slow at first causing Alex to wither under him. Alex became more needy than usual. His voice seemed to be stuck on a high pitched whine. “ F-Fuck me harder Rian,” of course Rian respected Alex’s wishes and thrusted harder. Alex became more vocal groaning and cursing as endorphins started to flood his system. 

Rian couldn't stop himself from, thrusting harder and harder until his thrusts were sloppy and quick. Alex was screaming profanities and grasping at Rian’s back with his hands. His legs wrapped around Rian’s lower back as if that’d help Rian go deeper. Alex felt the very recognizable warm tingle in the pit of his stomach. His breathing became even more labored.

Alex moved his right hand from Rian’s back to his own dick. He started to jack himself off as he neared his orgasim. Their moans intermingled and could be heard echoing throughout the entire apartment. “ R-R-Rian, I’m gon-” was all Alex managed to stutter out before he was cumming ribbons onto his and Rian’s chests. Seeing Alex cum sent Rian over the edge. He came shortly after, as Alex continued to ride his own orgasim.

Rian rolled off of Alex and onto the bed. They laid there side by side, sticky, sweaty and euphoric. Alex almost fell asleep, but he caught a glimpse of the clock on the bedroom’s wall. It was 8:30 am and he had to be at work by 9:30am. He hopped off of the bed and pulled Rian with him. He dragged a semi asleep Rian to the bathroom. He guided his friend into the shower and stepped in after him. This wasn’t weird, they’d already seen every part of the other, and had taken showers together before.

Rian leaned against the wall as Alex washed his hair gently. Then, he washed Rian’s tired body with soap that smelled like lilac. As soon as Alex was done taking care of Rian he coaxed him out of the shower. Alex then took a shower himself before walking back into the bedroom. Rian was dozed off on the bed with a towel wrapped around his muscular frame. Alex gently shook his head at the sight before going to the sleeping man and softly nudging him awake.

Rian, opened his eyes before groaning and standing up to get dressed. Alex turned around to the bureau which was filled with his clothes. He rummaged through the drawers and found a Blink-182 shirt and some light wash ripped jeans. Alex changed, grabbed his wallet, keys, and cellphone before he made his way over to the kitchen. He saw bananas in the fruit bowl and grabbed one. He started to make coffee as he hummed to himself. 

The song Alex was humming wasn’t any tune he could recognize but he continued to hum it, just so the silence wouldn’t seem so daunting. Rian watched from the entrance way into the Kitchen. His best friend was surprisingly caring and affectionate. And he felt honored that he was the one chosen for this, whatever this was that they’d been doing. Alex didn’t even trust his bestest friend. 

It’s not like Rian wasn’t his best friend it just wasn’t the same way he was best friends with Jack. Rian could never be what Jack was to Alex, and he feared he’d never mean as much. But that was besides the point, it’d taken Alex about a year to warm up to the idea and even longer to follow through. At first Rian was ecstatic and flattered. He was Alex’s best friend. They’re relationship was so strong that not even a little sex could ruin it. 

But, Jack and Alex were Jack and Alex and whatever was going on between them extinguished any type of fire that could’ve potentially existed between Rian and Alex. Yet, Rian continued to be flattered, because Alex didn’t trust easily. It was impossible to become his friend and even more difficult to be anything more than that. Somehow, Rian sifted his way through Alex’s layers and ended up at the golden surface inside.

Rian cleared his throat and Alex looked up at him, brown eyes wide and curious. Understanding crossed his face before he hastily poured coffee into large, paper coffee cups. Alex handed Rian his cup before leaving first. Rian drank his coffee and let it burn his mouth and throat. Then he left his apartment locking the door behind him. He took the elevator two floors down and knocked on the door adjacent. Zack opened the door and smiled at his friend. Rian almost cried.

Alex saw Rian greeting Zack through the window of the door leading to the floor. He turned away and rushed down the steps. Alex hailed a taxi and jumped in. He greeted the driver, told him the address of the shop, and turned down to look at his phone. Alex answered a few texts and scrolled through instagram on the way over. The ride wasn’t long and soon he was standing hesitantly in front of the shop. 

Suddenly everything Alex was trying to escape caught up with him. From where he stood he could clearly see Jack talking to Nano. Alex waited for Jack to retreat into one of the back rooms. He sighed in relief but mulled over last night’s incident. Alex moved over towards the shop and leaned against the building just outside the entrance. He took another sip of his coffee and checked his phone. 

Alex had a text for Rian that he decided to ignore, he'd be seeing him soon anyways. They did work at the same shop. He’d almost finished his coffee when he realized he should’ve probably gone inside. But he’d been lost in thought. Not that he’d thought too much about what had happened last night. Alex thought more about what didn’t happen. It bugged him that he didn’t stop himself, it bugged him that this happened with his best friend, but what bugged him most of all was that he left Jack.

Alex knew that he should’ve stayed but he couldn’t. He walked inside the shop to be greeted by Jacks wide doe eyes and a tense atmosphere. “Hey Nano, I’m gonna get some coffee, want some?” Jack asked. Nano glanced between the two men before turning back to the computer, “Sure, why not. Just a small black coffee please.” Nano said looking at Alex quizzically. His eyes the only thing visible from behind the computer.

“How about you?” Jack asked, rather sweetly and it almost felt like the night before had never happened. “Nah, I had some on the way in.” Alex said, holding up a large cup of coffee. Alex tried to smile and seem amicable but he felt like shit for leaving earlier that morning. Jack nodded and moved past him. Alex inhaled Jack’s scent and felt his knees buckle slightly. Fuck, he thought, this isn’t good. 

Alex waved at Nano as he passed by where he was sitting. He went into the back room to relax before getting a lecture from Nano and probably Rian. He’d just set his things down and walked across the room to get his sketchpad from his locker when Nano called his name from the doorway. 

“What’d you even do?” Nano sighed taking a seat on the couch next to the lockers.   
“I’m just a shitty person, and I can’t fix what I did, not because I don't want to and not because Jack won't forgive me, but because I physically can’t,” Alex tried explain how he felt but instead he had somehow made even less sense. Nano rolled his eyes and got up. He patted Alex on the shoulder before exiting the room.

Alex could feel his heart constrict in his chest and sobs bubble up his throat. He felt raw and exposed. Again his hands started to shake, and they shook so violently that he couldn’t hold his sketch pad. Alex let it fall to the floor and rushed to the bathroom. He locked himself in a stall and tried to will the feeling of guilt away. But guilt has a way of eating a person and it was taking chunks out of Alex’s already deflated ego. 

It took him a while to calm down enough to leave the stall. He looked at himself in the mirror above the sink. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a disheveled mess. Alex sighed and turned on the sink. He splashed some water on his face before finally exiting the bathroom. He made his way back into the break room, and gathered his things. Before he could leave he was stopped by Rian. 

“Alex,” Rian whispered yelled eyes wide and panicked. Alex immediately felt uneasy and worried. “What’s wrong?” Alex asked hoping that Cass hadn’t found out about their arrangement. “I have to tell Cass everything,” Rian spit out suddenly, almost taking Alex by surprise. Alex shook his head before retorting, “No, way. I have so much on my plate right now, Rian.” Alex studied Rian’s features. He was trying to gauge the level of Rian’s annoyance. “Look,” Rian gritted out through clenched teeth, “I’m gonna tell her whether you like it or not.” With that turned on his heels and left the room. 

This particular day just wasn’t a good day for Alex. Everything was crumbling around him. He took a deep breath and decided to get his mind off of everything by seeing if his client had even showed up. When Alex walked into the reception area, no one was there, which was odd. He turned around and headed to Nano’s office. The door was closed so he knocked on it. Alex waited for a couple of seconds and heard no response. 

Finally he heard Nano say, “ Come in.” Alex opened the door and upon seeing him, Nano sighed. “ I just got a call from your client today. He said he wasn’t coming in.” Alex huffed and plopped into the chair across from Nano’s desk. “ You can go home, dude,” Nano assured while looking back down at his computer. Alex thanked Nano before going heading to the back room yet again. He collected his things before leaving.

Alex managed to leave the shop without another incident which was a win in his book. He looked at his phone and saw that it was only 10:30 am. He sighed and headed to his apartment. The day was hot and he started to sweat. Alex had forgotten his sunglasses making him squint in an effort to not be blinded by the sun. At least the walk to his apartment was somewhat peaceful. But Alex had so much on his mind that the walk wasn't as enjoyable as it could've been.

Honesty, Alex’s social life was going down the drain. First he fucked up things with Jack, then he fucked up things for Cassadee and Rian. It’s been a rough 3 hours. Alex took the stairs instead of the elevator because he need more time to think before he sat down to work on a sketch for a different client than the no show. 

His thoughts raced but he came to no coherent resolution to his problems. Once again, Alex foolishly decided to ignore his problems and instead did something else. And this time his distraction wasn’t self destructive. Once he opened the door to his apartment he stepped inside. He toed off his shoes, turned around and locked the door. Alex walked into his living room and sat on his couch.

Alex turned on his laptop and picked his sketchbook up from the coffee table. His laptop powered up and once he was logged in he opened his work email. He saw a new email from his client detailing a few changes to the tattoo. The client wanted a certain color scheme and decided that instead of just a depiction of a wobbly chair they wanted to add a phrase as well. 

“Hmm,” Alex hummed as he read the phrase over and over again. Eventually he took to saying it allowed, “The only reason for the push-ups is the fact I know, I can’t support you.” Alex pondered the meaning of the phrase and decided that he really didn’t understand it, but somehow it struck a chord with him. He emailed his client back saying all the usual things and even sending a picture of the sketch. But at the end he couldn't help but ask where the phrase was from. 

Almost immediately after Alex sent the email he got one back with the link to the song. At first he was wary, but when he heard the song, he shivered as goosebumps covered his arms. It was disconcerting how the song seemed to resonate with him deeply. Alex wasn’t sure with what aspect of his life the song related to and he didn’t really want to find out. He closed his laptop and laid down. Alex pushed his face into what he thought was a pillow. 

It smelled like bubbles, making Alex’s stomach flip. It smelled like...Jack. Alex took a good look on what he was resting his head on. It was Jack’s Jacket. Something inside of Alex snapped and he started to tear up. He buried his face further and further into Jack’s jacket. Eventually Alex fell asleep clutching Jack’s jacket to his face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Lightning_up_the_room here! I write the Jack POV chapters. I write shorter chapters than starspankled, but I hope you enjoy both!
> 
> Here's the next chapter :)

Chapter 3: I think that you think that I’m half drunk

As Jack worked through his bottle of whiskey, the night before started to come back to him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted it to or not, but he figured knowing would always be better.

*the night of the party*

Jack mussed his hair a bit, staring at the mirror in thought. One of his best friends was getting married, when had they all grown up? It seemed like just yesterday he had met Alex and Rian at the peer mentoring group in high school. He gave his reflection one more once over and turned away. Jack grabbed his keys, wallet and phone and left his empty apartment.

He left the building and started walking over to Rian’s apartment. The cool air helped clear his head a bit, but something was different about tonight.

Jack arrived at their building and was buzzed in, he was exactly on time but still worried that no one would be there. He took a deep breath and climbed the stairs to their apartment. When Jack knocked, Rian opened the door. 

“Hey Jack, come on in.” Jack’s eyes automatically scanned the room when he walked through the door. He noted the bar area and several spots to curl up. He also noticed that he was the first one there with little surprise, but a touch of nerves flared up in his gut nonetheless.   
“What do you want to drink?” Roan asked, grabbing a tumbler. 

“Who says I’m drinking?” He asked. Rian grabbed his chest, feigning a heart attack.

“Who are you and where is the real Jack Bassam Barakat?” Jack laughed, even as his mind started spinning again. What did his friends really think of him? He pondered what Rian was thinking while mixing the drink.

“Oh, Jack.” Cass’s voice sounded from the kitchen, “You’re early.” Jack turned and took in the sight of his friend’s gorgeous fiancée

“There she is” He said, moving to kiss her cheek. “Congratulations you two. I can’t think of two people who deserve more happiness.” Rian grumbled and shoved him.

“Aww man, no need for that shit.” He siad, “It’s you.” ‘It’s me?’ Jack thought, ‘What does that mean?’ Pushing the thought away, Jack moved towards the drinks. 

“Let me make you a drink,” He said, “Some original Jack Barakat drink.”

“Don’t kill him,” Cass warned, “I do have some need for him.” Jack laughed, even as his glass trembled a little in his hand. It was almost imperceptible, but he felt it instantly. ‘I have to control myself better’

“No promises Cass” He said, looping an arm around Rian’s shoulder once again, and hoping beyond hope that the alcohol would dull his nerves.  
Rian pushed him off.

“Sorry bro, but her word is the law in here.” Jack pushed the stab of pain and insecurity down with a gulp, and his friend towards his fiancée. He curled up with a healthy dose of whiskey to wait for the rest of the guests to come.

*Some time later*

“Jay” Jack looked up to see his best friend,

“Lex!” He popped off the couch and crushed Alex into his arms, ignoring the intense scent of the shorter man.

“Someone’s enthusiastic.” Alex laughed, “How many drinks have you had already?” Jack felt another pang in his chest. Something must’ve shown on his face, because Alex gave him a strange look. “Jay? What’s wrong?” Shaking it off, Jack grinned.

“Nothing man, just caught up in my head.” Alex eyed him for another moment, but must’ve been satisfied as he smiled again.

“Whatever, just don’t over think everything as usual.” How could Jack not think about the little comments like that? He held up two cups, 

“Luck of the draw, my friend?” Alex rolled his eyes at the familiar endearment, but took a cup anyway.

“Bottoms up.” He said as they clinked cups, but he paused before drinking to search Jack’s face again. The two up ended the cups.

*Back to now*

A knock at the door started Jack out of his mind. He finished his whiskey and moved towards the door, tumbler still in hand. He glanced through the peephole and saw Cass, sobbing and shaking. Jack fumbled with the lock for a moment before wrenching the door open and pulling his friend into a hug. 

“Hey there,” He said, running his hands through her hair, “let it out.” Jack pulled Cass into his apartment and sat her on the couch. He went and grabbed another tumbler, sloshed some ice and whiskey into it and set it onto the table in front of her.  
“Drink” She complied, downing it in one. He set the bottle on the table next to her and she immediately refilled.

“We’re on a break” Jack sucked in a breath, but waited for her to tell him the problem, mentally running through his distraction tactics.

“Rian told me,” She nearly started hyperventilating. Jack’s thoughts sped by, a mile a minute; what could have happened to change everything so quickly. Each possibility ten times worse than the last. She took a deep breath,   
“He told me he slept with Alex” Jack’s heart, mind, everything, stopped.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp i took a decade and a half but i hope you guys like the chapter. pls comment!!!
> 
> ALSO theres mention of blood and theres a sex scene.

Chapter 4: I Made Promises That I Can’t Keep. I Fell Asleep. (Shed Your Skin) 

Alex woke up at around 3pm, muscles tense, head aching, and heart racing. He’d had The Dream again. It was exactly as it had been the last time. He mentally retraced everything he’d done before falling asleep on his couch. Oh, he thought, I was thinking about Jack, again. Every Time Alex fell asleep with Jack on his mind he’d have this elaborate surrealist type dream.

He thought back to the night before and dissected the night from the very beginning.

\----- 

Alex slept, a lot but he never really rested making him sardonic, and irritable. So, he tried to sneak in a quick nap before Cass and Rian’s engagement party. He didn’t want to be a bitter asshole. Alex didn’t often dream, but this particular time he did.

He kinda just came into existence, appearing out of thin air and landing on a bed so soft he sunk in. Alex struggled to free himself, to no avail. He was stuck on the most comfortable bed he’d ever been on. This in of itself wasn’t a problem. The real problem was that the further he sunk the more obscured his line of vision became, allowing anxiety to chew through his confidence. The bed swallowed Alex, the plush white sheets not comforting him like he thought they should’ve. 

Suddenly the bed stretched and pulled itself, creating a great distance between Alex and the end of the bed. In fact, the distance was so great that when Alex surfaced he could no longer see the edge of the bed. At first he was alarmed but the incredibly soft bed cradled away his worries. He laid back and stared at the blue sky and puffy white clouds overhead. He breathed in deeply and was delighted to smell the freshly cut grass that the bed was on top of.

The atmosphere was calm and he relished in those sweet moments of peace. At first Alex though he imagined the whisper of his name. He tried to drown it out by closing his eyes and humming. But the louder he hummed the louder the voice became. 

“Alex,” the echo rang an urgency evident in its voice, “ I miss you.”

Alex could feel a primal urgency to reach this voice, to reach the person the voice belonged to. He felt intrigued and decided that the best course of action was to search for the source of the voice. Tentatively Alex called, “Hello?” He heard his voice echo far and out. He didn't hear a response and decided to use a different course of action. 

Alex thought long and hard. He thought for so long that the light that once filled the space dimmed to a warm red. He felt a tug on the sheets pulling him out of his thoughts.Alex looked around and saw no one. Perplexed, he tried to stand, but tumbled back down into the bed face first. While he was recovering from his fall he realized he was moving. He tried getting up again, but found that he was being pulled really quickly to the other side of the bed. 

The sheets pulled him faster and further from his original spot. Before Alex could try standing up he noticed he stopped moving. He slowly stood up and found out that he could keep his balance. 

“Alex,” a familiar voice greeted, “you’re finally here.” Alex looked around but saw no one.  
“Hello?” Alex called, hoping he’d receive an answer. But, instead of hearing anything, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. Alex whipped around to come face to face with Jack.  
Jack smiled and chuckled out “Hi, Lex.” Alex was confused but happy. He hugged Jack and placed his head against Jack’s chest. 

And then as the many times before, Alex would wake up sweaty and confused. He didn’t know how to explain it. He rolled over and tried to fall back asleep. He couldn’t so, he got up and made his way to the bathroom. As he passed the living room he vaguely saw that it was 10:30pm. Well shit, Alex thought sleepily, I’m like 2 hours too late. He sped to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. He looked at his hair and shrugged. 

He jogged back to his room and almost tripping on a shoe. He he regained his balance and rushed into his room picking out a red checkered flannel, a black beanie, and silver studded combat boots.Once he had everything on, Alex realized he sorta smelled like he’d been in a sauna. He sprayed on way too much cologne by mistake. But it was too late to take a shower so he grabbed his keys while making sure all the lights were off. 

When Alex finally made it to Rian’s apartment it’s been about twenty minutes because traffic was a nightmare and he’d decided to walk instead of overpaying for a taxi. He smelled like the offspring of an Abercrombie and Fitch store and a Chuck-E-Cheese. It was an inescapable hell smell Alex had been trying to escape for the duration of the time it took him to get to the party.  
He stumbled into the apartment to find almost everybody already drunk off of their asses, so of course, Alex decided he needed to get some rum in his system. He walked over to the Kitchen stuttering through hello’s to people he hadn’t seen, let alone talked too in years. He grabbed one cup filled it with rum and downed it. Then, squeezed through pockets or people to the couch where he assumed Jack was.

Alex exclaimed, “Jay!” As soon as he was in earshot of Jack. “Lex!” Jack smiled as he hopped off the couch and crushed Alex into a bone crushing bear hug. He hoped that Jack wasn’t too bothered by his extremely strong scent.“Someone’s enthusiastic,” Alex chortled, teasing Jack, “How many drinks have you had already?” Jack’s smile faltered for a moment before he smiled again trying to cover up the sudden break in his exterior.

Alex squinted his eyes and tried to examine Jack’s seemingly happy facial expression. “Jay? What’s wrong?” Alex prodded hoping that Jack would answer truthfully.“Nothing man, just caught up in my head,” Jack answered, not really convincing Alex. But he let it go in fear of ruining Jack’s confidence. “Whatever, just don’t over think everything as usual.” Alex tried to encourage but instead it came out jeeringly.

“Luck of the draw, my friend?” Jack chuckled lightly pushing a cup in Alex’s general direction. Alex rolled his eyes with a smile playing on his lips“Bottoms up.” Alex cheered as they clinked cups, for a split second he searched Jack’s features again. He downed his second drink hoping that he’d be better company afterwards. 

After that the next thing Alex remembered was insisting on taking a shower because he smelled like ass. Jack laughed while tripping over the shoe that was still in the hallway. “ The fuck,” Jack whispered confused while looking at the shoe. “Is this even yours?” He questioned Alex while picking it up. “I don’t know,” Alex whinned circumventing Jack and the mystery shoe, “I’m going to take a shower.”

Alex took off everything and stepped into the tub. “Wait,” Alex heard from the other side of the door. “What?” Alex groaned in frustration. “Wait for me,” Jack said as he opened the door and took off all his clothes. “This is now dubbed bath time,” Jack declared triumphantly. Alex sighed and stepped out. He rolled his eyes and turned the handle. Jack squealed with glee and reached over to the shower rack and squirted shower gel into the bathtub. 

Then Jack lowered himself into the bathtub and Alex tried his hardest not to stare because this was Jack he was looking at. Alex shook his head and followed suit. The water was too hot but neither of them complained. Alex could feel the knots in his back dissolving as he closed his eyes. Jack giggled from the other side making Alex giggle. “Jay, whatcha doin’,” Alex whispered trying not to disturb the quiet atmosphere.

“I have a beard,” Jack giggled, making Alex open his eyes and peer over the bubbles. Alex snorted as he laughed. Jack looked innocent and silly with his face adorned with suds. Jack laughed along with Alex. But, soon their laughter died down and both men continued to sit in the bath. The silence was a comfortable one, lulling Alex’s wired brain. He grew sleepy and tried to fight the warmness that spread through his bones. 

Drinking alcohol always made Alex sleepy, but he tried not to over-do it. So, he hadn’t actually had enough to not be competent. He’d had just enough to relax him. The rest of the night he poured out his drinks. But he wasn’t sure about Jack and he was a little worried. He shrugged and reached up for the bar of soap on the shower rack next to him. He lathered his skin. When Alex was done he looked at Jack and smiled. 

Jack had his eyes closed and he looked so peaceful. “Hey, I’m gonna get out,” Alex told Jack as he stood up and stepped out of the tub. Alex knew that Jack was awake. Jack couldn’t sleep when it was bright. “M’kay,” Jack responded, “I’ll be right out.” Alex wrapped a black fluffy towel around his waist. He walked to his bedroom. Alex dropped the towel onto the floor and rummaged through drawers of wrinkled clothing. 

He decided on a pair of boxers with vibrant pink and green watermelons. Once he had them on he climbed under the covers. Alex had just closed his eyes when he heard Jack enter the room. Jack moved around a bit before joining Alex under the covers. “Alex,” Jack whispered breaking the silence. Alex smiled and answered, “Yeah?” For a moment they were both extremely still. “Can I try something?” Jack asked for permission.

“Um, yeah,” Alex responded without thinking about it too much. They were laying in bed facing each other. Whenever they slept in the same bed they always ended up in that position. Alex felt Jack shift incredibly close to him so close that he could feel Jack’s breath ghosting over his cheeks. Alex’s breath itched in his throat out of confusion and slight intrigue. Alex opened his eyes and tried to make out Jack’s figure. 

But, the room was dark and Alex couldn’t see a thing. Yet, he could feel so much. He could feel where Jack’s body met his own. He could feel their heartbeats sync. He could hear Jack’s hesitation. Then, Jack closed the space between them and pressed his lips to Alex’s. At first, Alex was taken by surprise, but soon melted into the surprise kiss. They kissed sloppily, mouths open and teeth clanging. 

The kiss grew more intimate as Alex swirled his tongue around Jack’s. Alex moved onto his back, and for better access Jack straddled him. Jack grinded his hips onto Alex’s hard dick. “Fuck,” Alex moaned into Jack’s mouth as he picked up the pace. Alex’s hands reached blindly for Jack's hips. “ Nuh-uh,” Jack tutted, “ I’m in control here.” Alex whined in disapproval and then in disappointment when Jack stopped moving. 

Jack kneeled over Alex as he pulled down alex’s boxers to reveal is already hard dick.”F-F-F-Fuck me,” Alex pleaded quite suddenly drawing Jack’s attention to his desperation. Jack reached over to the nightstand and fumbled with the drawer. “Hurry up,” Alex gasped while unintentionally bucking his hips. Jack muttered, “shit,” as he searched through the darkness. Jack’s fingers danced across all of the things he didn’t want until he grasped the two he needed. 

Jack tore open the condom with his teeth after he had pulled his boxer briefs down to his thighs, He rolled the condom onto his dick and then proceed to lube himself up. “Jack,” Alex demanded, “I need you to fuck me.” Jack wasted no time in getting into a comfortable position. “Okay,” Jack puffed out as he thrust into Alex. “F-F-F-yeah,” Alex shuddered out as Jack thrust in and out. “Shit,” Jack gritted out through clenched teeth. 

Alex’s legs hooked around Jack’s lower back. Jack buried his face in the crook of Alex’s neck. Their moans echoed off of the walls and filled the whole apartment. Alex’s hands grasped at Jack’s back, his nails digging patterns into Jack’s skin. “I-I-I’m gonna cum,” Alex stuttered out as his back arched and he came, squeezing around Jack. “Fuck,” jack breathed out as he came hips bucking choppily, making his final thrusts uneven. 

Jack got up as Alex was still shaking through the remainder of his orgasm. He cleaned them both up and got back into bed. Alex shifted until he and Jack were entangled with each other and his head was buried into jack’s shoulder. He fell asleep almost instantly leaving jack to think. Alex shifted closer, curling his head into the space between Jack’s head and shoulder.  
“Why are you still up?” Alex mumbled. Jack shrugged, “Enjoying the view I guess.” 

Alex chuckled,“Well stop it and go to sleep. My impending hangover does not appreciate the starring.” Jack smiled, “I have the perfect remedy for a hangover.” He said, “Coffee with Bailey’s in it” They said at the same time. “You drink too much.” Alex laughed, but quieted quickly. “How’d we get here?” Alex mused, wondering if everything would turn out okay.. Jack sighed, “Well when a friend of yours gets engaged, you tend to drink a lot.” 

“Shut up I remember that part,” Alex poked Jack’s rib cage and then placed his hand on Jack’s bare chest, “After that?” Jack thought for a moment but finally relented, “I don’t really remember everything, but we were talking in the corner of the bar and then we walked some and then we were having sex.” Alex laughed again, “Oh you make it so simple, is that all?” 

 

Jack shrugged, “Well we’re both drunk.” Alex whispered hoping to cover up the underlying truth.n“No duh,” Jack sighed again, “I don’t want to think about any of this right now, let’s just enjoy the moment sour puss.” Laying his head back down, Alex mumbled,“Ok Jay,”  
Within moments, both men were asleep, content in the feel of the other’s heartbeat.

\-----

And, Alex mused coldly, that’s how this shit started. It’d started out innocent enough, but turned into a waking nightmare. He decided that he was just going to go back to sleep, because in his eyes it was a lot better than being awake. Just as he layed down to try to sleep restfully, the front door slammed open. “She wants us to take a break,” Rian steamed as he stomped over to where alex was sitting staring at him with wide eyes. 

“You told her?” Alex spat out without really thinking. This fueled Rian’s rampage even more. “Of, course i told her. This, whatever this was that we had, has to end,” Rian spat out getting into Alex’s face. “Um,” Alex uttered out trying to back away from Rian but he had nowhere to go. “Get the fuck up,” Rian shouted, as he grabbed Alex’s shirt in a fist. Alex stumbled to his feet.

Rian let go of Alex’s shirt. “Fuck you,” Rian gritted out as he punched Alex in the face causing the other man to teeter backwards. Before Alex could react he got punched again as Rian gritted out again, “ Fuck you.” This time Alex could feel the blood dripping down his face. “Shit” Alex cough out, because as he tried to breathe out of his nose he could feel blood gurgling in his throat. 

Again, Rian punched Alex. That time Alex fell onto the floor. Rian swiftly kicked Alex in the stomach before storming out. He left Alex beaten and alone. But, Alex found more concerning than his wounds was the fact that getting beaten it had felt so right. Not a sexual kind of right, but a moral kind of right, that made him feel a one hundredth of a percent better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGAIN pls comment guys!!! LEt us know what you think also it;s like 2 am and i cant type and i hope the chapter makes sense because i just finished writing it


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this is late, and about all the drama between jack and alex. Things will get better for them I promise!  
> -Lightning_up_the_room

Chapter 5: You’re only happy when I’m wasted

Jack glanced over at Cass, who had finally fallen asleep. Her brown hair was fanned out over the arm of his couch, and her face was still red from all of the crying earlier. He had finally gotten her to agree to talk to Rian, let him explain. ‘It’s funny,’ Jack thought, ‘I’m so good at giving advice to other people but I let my own life go to shit too often.’ He wondered what he was going to do about Alex, clearly the situation could never be ignored. 

How could he? How could his so called best fucking friend just turn around and find the same comfort in someone else? Had Alex even cared about Jack at all? He knew he was being unreasonable, but his thoughts spiralled out of control. Before he realized what was happening, his hands were trembling and his gut was empty and hollow. Jack sighed, moving to get coffee or alcohol. He just wanted something, anything, to stop him from feeling the way that he did. Cass shifted on the couch and Jack stopped.  
How could he be so freaking selfish? One of his closest friends had just found out the love of her life, and another of his close friends, was sleeping with someone else! He had no right to be worrying about himself when her life was in this much crisis. 

Jack cranked the AC even higher, covered Cass with a blanket, and turned off the static showing on his TV. He knew that his thoughts were not going to stop, but couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. Jack wanted to tell Alex everything, but didn’t want to lose him completely. Unfortunately, it seemed that was not his choice. He was clearly nothing. Alex had already shown that Jack was replaceable, and only really hung out with him when Jack was drunk. 

The sound of the key in the door interrupted Jack’s dark thoughts. The only people with keys were Rian, Zack and Alex. If it was Alex, well Jack didn’t want to think about what would happen. His friend wouldn’t anyway, he was too busy sleeping with everyone. As soon as he thought it, Jack felt horrible. He couldn’t help it. It wasn’t like Alex could hear him, but it felt like a betrayal nonetheless.

The front door swung open and Rian slipped in.   
“Why are you here?” Jack asked, trying to keep his voice even. Rian paused,   
“I wanted to talk to you.” He said, quietly.  
“She’s asleep on the couch.” Jack whispered, “Say your part and I’ll explain why I’m an amazing fucking friend.” Rian nodded,

“This wasn’t something that just happened. Alex used to come to me all the time. When I got serious about Cass, I told him it had to stop.” Jack narrowed his eyes, cold anger spilling through him.  
“If it was over, why did it happen again?” He hissed. Rian slumped a little,  
“He came to my apartment. There was something just so lost about him, I couldn’t say no.”  
“Bullshit.” Jack said. Rian took a step back in surprise. “If you really wanted to say no, you would have said fucking no.” His words were speeding up, his adrenaline pumping. “You were just looking for a reason for Cass not to love you anymore, otherwise you would have done one of two things; said no like any decent human being, or kept it a secret.” Jack grabbed his keys and jacket, “You better return in the morning and explain. I managed to talk her into giving you a chance, not that you really deserve it.” And he shut the door.

Twenty minutes later saw Jack sitting at a bar, downing his third whiskey of the night, his first of the hour, and thinking over his options and actions. He could go shout at the sky a bit, but his problems would all still be there. He could leave, he’d done it before, but he liked his life here. He could try to ignore it, but Jack hadn’t done that in a long time.

“Something wrong?” The bartender, a guy named Connor, asked.  
“Just an asshole and some anger that needs to be dealt with.” Connor nodded,  
“I understand assholes, but why not shout it out?” Jack sipped his whiskey and thought it over, he could yell at Alex, then go back to the bar and find some random guy or girl to go home with.  
“Dude, you are an Irish genius.” Jack said, tossing some bills on the counter and running to his bike. On the ride over, Jack let the winds carry him as though he were flying. He had to get away soon, or he would shatter irreparably.

A few blocks later and Jack was pounding on Alex’s door. He heard muffled footsteps and stepped back. Alex opened the door, a cloth full of ice pressed to his cheek. Jack ignored his concern, allowing himself to come first for once.  
“You are a fucking dick.” He said quietly, “I can not believe you would destroy not only our friendship, but Rian and Cass’s relationship, all because we slept together and you freaked out! I was conflicted too, but you don’t see me fucking any convenient person! You had the audacity to just-” Jack broke off, unable to phrase the anger swirling in his mind. “I thought you trusted me, that we could get through anything.” He said coldly, “I always thought, well I hoped that we would end up as more than what we are.. Or were I guess, but I was clearly wrong about everything wasn’t ?” He sighed, trying to ignore the thickness in his throat or the blurry stinging in his eyes. “Was any of it real?” He asked, but got angry again when Alex opened his mouth.

“No more excuses Alexander.” He turned and walked away. He got onto his bike and let the tears fall as he drove, feeling the whiskey finally soothe his mind. He drove to a random pub and pulled out his phone. Over the course of the twenty minutes it took for Zack to show up, Jack had four shots and two more glasses of whiskey. He was definitely drunk.

“You look like hell.” Zack said by way of greeting. Jack just laughed and slung his arm around his friend.  
“I’m losing all of my friends because I fucked up.” He said, then laughed again. Zack frowned, but said nothing as he pulled Jack to his bike. “Where’s your car?” He slurred as the other man dug his keys out of his pocket.  
“I took a cab.” Zack said.  
“Oh.” Jack pouted, “Maybe we should go now, the world is spinning.” Jack said as the night got darker and darker. He dimly heard Zack calling his name as the ground suddenly rose to meet him. The darkness turned pitch black, stars exploded, and Jack knew no more.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey ya'll i wrote a new chapter in like 3 hours cause i couldnt sleep right lmao. granted this chapter is like 2 and a half pages shorter than usual... pls remember to comment we want to hear your feedback and what you think about the characters.

Chapter 7: The Burden Buried Deep Inside My Chest

Alex tried to recover but the sensation of his heart breaking had him crying like a child on the floor. His sobs were explosive causing his aching ribs to dig into his lungs. He knew he deserved it but everything hurt. Alex tried his best to stop and just take it, all this pain, it’d wipe as much of his conscience clean as it could, but his tears muddied the effort. Eventually his sobs quieted to whimpers. 

He stood up and tried to take a deep breath but instead felt his ribcage constricting around his lungs. He decided that maybe he’s lay off breathing too deeply for a bit. Alex wanted someone to come help him, but who did he even have? Every seed of friendship he planted, he’d let starve. Alex was a shitty friend. He knew that. He also knew he didn't really deserve help. 

Alex held his side as he walked to the bathroom. He wanted to assess the damage and possibly try to reduce any swelling. He weaved his way around the shoe in the hallway and walked straight into the bathroom flicking on the light as he faced the mirror. He cringed at his appearance. His right eye was almost swollen shut and his right cheek had three ugly bruises in the shape of Rian’s knuckles. 

The blood on his face had dried and was beginning to flake off. He turned on the sink and washed his face relishing in how the water eased his pain. After he’d gently scrubbed his face he looked in the mirror again. “Fuck,” he laughed hoarsely, pointing at himself in the mirror, “Alex, you look like shit.” With the blood gone Alex could see the bruising on his nose. He immediately knew that Rian, had broken his nose. Alex sighed.

How was he supposed to explain his injuries when he went to the emergency room? Alex went to the kitchen to get some ice for his face. He wanted to reduce as much swelling as possible. When he pressed the ice against his cheek he almost screamed. The pain was intolerable. He hesitantly put the cloth covered ice back on his cheek. He bit his lip hard and figured that this was the best he could do for the time being.

Alex all of a sudden thought about Jack. Alex grunted in frustration. How could he do what he did to one of his best friends? Alex knew he didn't need to mix people up in his insecurities, but he did anyways and now he’s fucked everything up with everyone. No one was going to take pity on him and no one was on his side.

Then Alex heard someone pounding on his door. He assumed it would be Rian. Because who else would want to see him right now? He paced the length of his kitchen hoping that whoever they were would go away. Eventually he accepted his fate and went to open the door. He saw a very drunk Jack holding onto the doorway for support. Alex’s mouth opened a little in shock. 

“You are a fucking dick.” Jack said quietly, “I can not believe you would destroy not only our friendship, but Rian and Cass’s relationship, all because we slept together and you freaked out! I was conflicted too, but you don’t see me fucking any convenient person! You had the audacity to just-” Jack broke off, his eyes closed for a moment and he took a deep breath, when he open his eyes he made eye contact with Alex, “I thought you trusted me, that we could get through anything.”

Jack spat venom basically dripping from his words, “I always thought, well I hoped that we would end up as more than what we are.. Or were I guess, but I was clearly wrong about everything wasn’t ?” He sighed, blinking his eyes rapidly, “Was any of it real?” Jack asked, Alex opened his mouth not to explain or to give an empty apology but to say the one thing he was most afraid of saying. 

Alex wanted to tell Jack, that he meant the world to him and he was so afraid of becoming something more and breaking Jack’s heart, something he managed to do anyways. “No more excuses Alexander.” Jack spat, turned and walked away. Alex deserved it. He didn’t deserve Jack and he didn’t deserve a second chance. But that didn’t stop Alex from feeling like he was tearing apart at the seams. 

Alex closed the door and turned around to find his shoes, wallet, keys, and phone. Once he had everything he left his apartment, the ice still on his cheek. He walked to the emergency room. He knew that it probably wasn’t a wise thing to do. But when did he ever make a wise decision? He just enjoyed the darkness and the wind ruffling his tangled hair. He just walked and walked until the hospital came into view. 

The prospect of all the x-rays and questions made him queasy but he had to do it. Alex didn’t know why he was even there, really. No one actually cared about him anymore. And if they did, they wouldn’t soon. He considered his options and walked into the large building hoping for the best. When he came out the sun had already risen and he had 2 missed calls from Nano. He ignored them, he felt his world come crashing to a halt.

Yet, the rest of the population continued with their daily routines. He walked home and tried to devise a plan to get some time off, if he still had a job that is. Apparently Rian had not only broken his nose, but he’d also managed to crack one of alex’s ribs and fractured his cheekbone. Alex now knew from first hand experience that working out really does pay off. He tried not to laugh at the thought, but failed. When he laughed he almost toppled over. 

The pain from his cracked rib was a little too much to be laughing, but he still did anyways. He realized the must’ve looked a little deranged. They had given him oxy at the hospital to manage the pain. He’d opted to not take any home with him though. He wasn’t in the right state of mind to be in control of a drug like that especially unsupervised. Once he composed himself he walked home.

When Alex got home he fumbled with the lock, not noticing Nano walk down the hallway towards him. “Hey,” Nano called grabbing Alex’s attention. Alex turned around and frowned as best he could considering the pain in his cheek. “You look like shit, Alex,” Nano breathed out once he’d gotten closer. “And I am shit,” Alex mumbled under his breath. Nano shook his head and followed Alex into his apartment. 

“What’s up,” Alex asked as he walked into his kitchen. He got more ice out of the freezer as Nano watched. He placed the ice in a cloth, he had pulled out from a cabinet and placed it against his swollen cheek. “ I was going to ask you to come into work today, but I can give it a few days,” Nano explained. “Oh, thanks,” Alex chuckled out and then groaned in pain. “Don’t mind me,” Alex wheezed, “I just have a cracked rib is all. Trust me I deserve it.” Nano took in what Alex said before nodding. 

Alex wasn’t nearly as offended as he should’ve been. He shrugged it off and asked, “Anything else?” It looked like Nano wanted to say something but he was debating on wether or not it was a good idea. “Look,” Nano finally relented, “You fucke up so bad, Alex. I don’t know who ever hurt you to make you this way, but you need to try to fix this. And i know you can’t fix this alone. Stop pretending you’re alone.

You have a few people that still want to help you no matter how much of an asshole you are.” When Nano finished he look at Alex pointedly. Alex was confused. Who would still want to help him after what he did to his friends. “Alex,” nano sighed, “I’ll help you, because you're a fucking mess and you’ve made a fucking mess and you need help figuring out how to fix all of this. But that doesn't mean you aren't an asshole and that I’m not mad at you.”

This just means I care about all four of you enough to help.” Alex started to cry. He could feel his shoulder shaking and he could feel sobs gurgling up his throat and out his mouth. “But i don’t deserve it, i’m such a piece of shit,” Alex managed to get out. Nano stepped over to him and hugged him, making alex cry even harder. “Shh,” Nano cooed, “ I know you think that, and that’s why I’m going to help and we’re going to get you some professional help.”

Alex just nodded against Nano’s chest. “Thank you,” Alex croaked as more tears slid down his face. Nano shook his head, “You’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ComMenT PlEAsE


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A filler chapter explaining what each person is doing when or after Jack passes out and what happens after.
> 
> **WARNING** The following chapter has detailed descriptions of a panic attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this update is so late! Starspankled and I started school, and Starspankled moved to college so we were saying goodbye and all of that fun stuff.
> 
> Chapter title cred- Ruse Up by Secrets
> 
> **WARNING** The following chapter has detailed descriptions of a panic attack
> 
> As always, we don't own all time low or their friends/partners, but we do own our characters and plot so no stealing!
> 
> -Lightning_up_the_Room

Chapter 7: Your Dreams are Shot and There's a Chance to Give Up

 

Zack rubbed his eyes, trying to get the sleep clinging to the corners to dissipate. 

“We’re here.” The cab driver said, “That’s $18.45” Zack sighed and dug the necessary bills and change out of his wallet. Jack so owed him for this.

“Thanks man” He said to the driver,

“Have a nice night.” The man replied before driving off. Zack turned to the, of all places, gay night club his friend found.   
“Jack, what have you done?” The bouncer nodded him in immediately when he described Jack. His friend was hard to forget, harder still was the friendship he shared with Alex. The two were thick as thieves, and perhaps more mischievous. Zack had noticed his friend changing recently, becoming sadder and drinking more. He was worried, but the stubborn idiot would always just smile and claim innocence. Jack burned brightly, wanting to live damn it, as he would always say. Proud, snarky and just Jack. It saddened Zack to see his friend deteriorating with nothing to do. Speaking of the man, he was moving through the crowd effortlessly. His eyes were dark with the alcohol running through his veins. The ever present shadows under his eyes made his face look like a skull under the pulsing lights. The only evidence that he was on the verge of a breakdown was the slight shine to his eyes.

“You look like hell” He said when his friend reached him. Jack tilted his head back and laughed, the lights catching the sheen of sweat clinging to the hollow of his throat. Jack leaned his weight onto Zack’s shoulders,

“I’m losing all of my friends because I fucked up.” He said, then laughed again as though it were the funniest thing he could think of. Zack felt his mouth turn downwards, ‘Why would he think he could ever lose us?’ He wrapped an arm around his friend’s waist and pulled him through the doorway into the fresh air. Zack felt around in Jack’s pocket for his keys,

“Where’s your car?” Jack mumbled as Zack pulled them out. 

“I took a cab.” He said quietly.

“Oh” Something in Jack’s voice made Zack turn around. Jack was swaying dangerously. “Maybe we should go now, the world is spinning.” His eyes slipped closed as he dropped to the ground. His head smacked the bike on the way down before cracking against the pavement.

“Jack!” Zack shouted in alarm, he crouched down and tapped his friend’s shoulders. “Wake up Jack!” He cried. When the only response he got was the rolling of Jack’s head, Zack pressed his fingers to Jack’s neck. He nearly collapsed with relief when he felt the pulse fluttering against his touch. He pulled his jacket off and folded it under Jack’s head. When he pulled his hands back, he saw blood coating his fingers.   
“Shit!” He hissed, digging his phone out of his pocket. “Shit shit shit shit” He muttered, dialing 911.

“Is he alright?” The bouncer was standing over him.

“No he-”

“911, What’s your emergency?” A calm voice sounded in his ear.

“Um hi, my friend was uh he was drinking and he passed out. He hit his head twice and h-hasn’t responded to attempts to wake him.” He tried to keep his voice calm, but probably failed.

“I’ll clear the area.” The bouncer said, and Zack nodded to him.

“Ok Sir, what’s your location?” The operator said, “An ambulance will be on the way soon.” He said.

“Umm, we’re at the corner of Malone Ave and Alexander Pl in the parking lot of the club.” Zack said, glancing at the street signs conveniently placed.

“Thank you sir.” The man said, “ETA is two minutes.” Zack nodded absently,

“Is there anything I should be doing? I have a jacket under his head and he’s lying flat.” Zack started rambling.

“No sir, that’s just fine. You should try to talk to him, try to wake him up.” The man said, “Would you like me to stay on the phone sir?”

“N-no,” Zack stuttered, “I’ll be ok. Thank you.” He hung up, then dialed another number.

“Hello?” A voice answered sleepily.

“Hey Rian, I need you to meet me at the hospital.”   
********

Nano didn’t really understand why Alex was crying. It wasn’t like he was doing something monumental. Nano just generally cared about Alex and Jack’s combined well being. It was really dumb, he thought, That they’re both being so closed off, as if they hadn’ t been friends for over a decade. Nano understood that both Alex and Jack were private people, and that honestly their reservations weren’t their faults. 

What was their fault was their inability to communicate their actual sentiments with each other. They'd all poured their souls out to each other at one point or another. Why was this situation any different? Nano still had Alex pressed to his chest when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. “Alex I have to take this. How about you go drink some water to help yourself calm down?” Nano suggested hoping that Alex would actually calm down.

Alex nodded and went to get a waterbottle out of the fridge. Nano shook his head as he looked at Alex’s still quivering figure. Honestly, Nano didn’t have a plan to fix things. He just hoped things would work out if the two men just talked to each other. Nano picked up his phone and answered with a, “Hi, this is Nano Tissera.” A woman answered in a rather formal tone, “Mr. Tissera, you’re listed as an emergency contact for Mr. Jack Barakat. I’m calling you to let you know that Mr. Barakat was admitted at St. Ignatius Hospital a little over 5 minutes ago.”

Nano swallowed the lump in his throat before answering,” Um, okay thank you for letting me know.” then he heard the line click signifying that the woman who was probably a nurse hung up. All of a sudden Nano’s hands were cold and shaking. “Shi-it,” Nano sputtered out. “What’s wrong?” Alex asked as he made his way back to Nano. It took Nano a couple of seconds to register that Alex had spoken at all.

“Uh,” Nano whispered hoarsely, “J-Jack is, uh, in the hospital.” Nano watched as Alex’s pallor flushed. He turned an alarming shade of pink that looked more neon than pastel. “Uh,” Alex muttered, as he took a deep breath. Nano continued to watch as Alex walked past him and into a bedroom. Alex gently closed the door. He was shaking and he didn’t know what to do with his hands, or with his body to calm down. 

Alex’s fingers felt cold and numb and he was beginning to feel dizzy. Alex laid down on his bed and tried to breath, but he was choked by his guilt. He didn’t know how to feel. Alex wished he had all the answers but instead he was clueless and distraught. He heard a faint knock on the door. “Alex, do you wanna come to the hospital with me?” Nano asked softly his voice barely audible over the pounding in Alex’s chest. 

“Um, Y-yeah,” Alex responded, “just let me get my shit together. I’ll be out in a sec.” He laid on bed for a few more seconds before getting up on wobbly legs. He struggled to keep his balance. He changed out of the shirt he was wearing into a big fluffy white sweater, that reminded him of kittens. Alex cleared his aching throat and walked out of his room. He found Nano waiting at the door. 

“Let’s go,” Nano suggested. “Yeah,” Alex affirmed.

The ride there was uncomfortable and the silence was stifling. Yet, Alex pretended like everything was okay. If he didn’t he risked losing his only ally and his only friend. He couldn’t do that not to himself, and not to Jack. His deal with Nano would be their saving grace. It had to be, or years of friendship would go down the drain and Alex had no idea how he would recover, if he even would.

When they finally got to St. Ignatius, Alex felt worry bubble to his chest. He was especially worried for Jack, but his worries about seeing Rian, Cass, and Zack, melted into a giant worry that made the bubble in his chest expand threatening to pop. Not that Alex would have a problem with that given the current circumstance. “Um,” Alex hesitated looking up at the emergency sign plastered about the sliding door he had emerged from only hours before. 

Nano looked back at him and shot him an annoyed look. Alex’s expression became even more grim. Nano sighed and walked in without saying anything at all. But it wasn’t like Nano was angry with Alex--per se-- but he wasn’t particularly thrilled with him. But Nano couldn’t help but blame Alex for Jack’s binge. He knew for a fact that it wasn’t Alex’s fault, yet he couldn’t stop the gnawing feeling of anger from boiling to the surface. 

Alex followed Nano shortly after. The nurse on call at the front desk gave him a sideways glance as he passed her and went to the waiting room. He could see Cass and Rian huddled together on a sofa and Zack talking with Nano in hushed tones. Alex immediately felt out of place. He steadied his breathing and sat in a chair as far as possible from Cass and Rian. He’d done enough. Alex fished his phone out of his pocket and turned it on. 

Immediately he saw two missed calls from the hospital. He choked a little when he realized he was of course still Jack’s emergency contact. Alex smiled and sighed in relief. He was reassured that Jack didn’t absolutely hate him, he just mostly hated him. And Alex could live with that. It meant there was still a chance to repair the damage. That was all Alex could ask for.

Alex could feel eyes on him as he stared down at his phone. He looked up to find both Cass and Rian death glaring him. He couldn’t blame them he actually couldn't blame anyone for being mad at him. Alex looked around the room and saw that both Nano and Zack were giving him disapproving glances. Now, that Alex was thoroughly uncomfortable he stood up and walked over to the nurses station. 

“I’m looking For Jack Barakat,” Alex stated in the most polite tone possible. “And you’d be the nurse said sizing him up, “His boyfriend,” he answered fairly smoothly. The nurse flushed and muttered, “he’s in room 109.” Alex gave her a courteous nod and went in search of Jack’s room. He walked inside and pulled a chair up to Jack’s bed. It’d be an understatement if Alex said Jack looked rough. 

“Wow,” Alex gasped quietly. He couldn't of been more sorry. Jack meant everything to him, absolutely everything to him. He didn’t know what he would do without his best friend. Alex grasped Jack’s hand in his. Alex could feel how cold Jack was. Jack must’ve really gone overboard. “Shit, Jay,” Alex sighed, “I’m so fucking sorry.” And he really was. He was as sorry as he could be. 

Alex sat with Jack for about four hours before he began to wake up. He smiled and let go of Jack’s hand to press the button for a nurse. Alex watched as Jack stirred slightly and groaned in pain. Alex became instantly worried and pressed the button for the nurse a second and then third time. Alex could hear the nurses rushing down the hall. But they didn;t seem to be fast enough, or at least as fast as Alex wanted them to be.

Jack became aware of two rhythms at once, an external beeping and the pounding of his head; they were beating in time to each other and intensifying his headache. Orange started to permeate the darkness behind his eyes as he regained consciousness. Jack dreaded opening his eyes and facing the consequences of his choices. He could feel a warm pressure on his hand, and dread pooled in his stomach.

He started imagining all of his friends’ reactions. Alex wrote him off as a drunk, a lost cause, and left him with the shambles of their friendship. Nano told him he was unfit to work, he couldn’t work until he cleaned himself up. Rian, Zack, Cass, they all banded together against him. They told him he needed to get help, that he was broken. They chastised him for being so reckless again and again. His mind’s eye showed him his mistakes over and over and over. He couldn’t breathe anymore

The guilt crashed down onto his shoulders. He was washed away, drowning in guilt and shame. There was no escape, no way out and no relief. The beeping sped up and drilled into his ears and he couldn’t breathe. Jack’s eyes shot open and his chest was heaving and the lights stabbed his eyes directly to his brain. Why couldn’t he breathe? He forced them shut, trying to block out the pain and then his gut was writhing and he was twisting around and the fucking beeping was speeding up again. Jack vaguely realized it was a panic attack, but it was too late; he was within its clutches and he still couldn’t breath. Sounds of shouting and his name echoed into his ears indistinctly as he heaved for air and his gut felt wrong and everything was just wrong. People were in the room now and the trembling was getting so bad and oh god make it stop. All he could clearly see and hear were the reactions of his friends, their disappointment and there was no escape. Black spots started to fill his vision and he wasn’t breathing anymore. He felt cold, so cold so cold and wrong, hands grab his trembling arm and hold it steady. Something pricked his elbow and the darkness welcomed him again.

And Alex watched as it all happened breathless and torn. He knew how to calm Jack down. Alex had asked what he could do to help and Jack had instructed him. He felt his stomach flip and before he knew it he was dashing out of the room in a haze of panic and guilt. So much guilt that he could feel it seeping out of his pores. He could vaguely make out a few people calling his name.

But he couldn’t stop running no matter how much he tried. The tiles on the floor turned to cement and then they turned into the carpet of his building. He stopped running long enough for his lungs to catch up with him. Alex felt like he was going to upchuck and spill his guts on the floor. He shook the fear from his bones and called a cab to come pick him up. He couldn’t abandon Jack again.

The ride back to the hospital was shorter than it had been with nano, and it might've been because Alex was caught up in his own thoughts. He payed the Taxi driver and waltzed back into the hospital still heaving. He walked past the nurses station all the way to Jack’s room. Alex peeked inside and saw nurses and even a doctor hovering over Jack’s bed. He sucked up his uneasiness and his doubts and decided to stay firmly planted in his spot. 

Then a nurse wandered out of the room. “ Are you Jack’s boyfriend?” He asked Alex. Hesitantly Alex nodded. “ Would you mind answering a few questions for me?” The nurse questioned formally. Alex nodded and answered, “Not at all.” The nurse flipped a few pages before clearing his throat. 

“What’s Mr. Barakats full name?” 

“Jack Bassam Barakat.”

“Birthday?”

“June 18, 1988.”

“Height?”

“Six foot two.”

“Ethnicity.”

“Lebanese.”

“Blood type?”

“B positive.”

“Allergies to any medication?”

“None.”

“Allergies to any food?”

“None.”

“Alright, thank you Mr…”

“Gaskarth, but call me, Alex.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens after Jack wakes up, for real this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This was a long time coming, I started it back in August but redid it like ten times, I also had to wait for the filler chapter to be finished before posting it. The next few chapters will be emotional for both Starspankled and I as we work on it, the boys will finally be talking.
> 
> Chapter title cred- Happiness by the Fray
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> -Lightning_up_the_Room

Chapter 8: Happiness damn near destroys you 

The next time Jack woke up, it was with more grace. He was aware long before his eyes fluttered open, but he didn’t think this time. Jack focused on his heartbeat, counting out each beat he felt. He breathed in through his nose and out again. Before he could doze off again, he opened his eyes, blinking to avoid the fluorescent lights. 

“You’re awake Mr Barakat.” A familiar voice spoke off to his left. Jack turned his head and saw the last person he expected. 

“Don?” He asked, bewildered at the other man’s presence, until he noticed the green scrubs on his tall frame. “Oh, you’re a nurse.” Jack muttered, mollified that his client wasn’t stalking him.

“Mr. Barakat, Could you tell me your full name?” Don asked. Jack may have been dazed, but he could guess what that meant. 

 

“I don’t have a concussion.” He muttered, sitting up and crossing his arms, ignoring the spike of pain that lanced from the base of his skull.

“Then you can answer the question Mr. Barakat.” Don replied. 

“Why are you being so formal? You can call me Jack that’s my name.” Jack pouted, “But I’ll play along with your questions for now. I’m Jack Bassam Barakat, today is either the 4th or the 5th depending on how long I was out. The president is Barack Obama and my emergency contact is- oh shit” Jack groaned, “Nano is going to kill me.” Don smiled wryly,

“I’m being formal because you are not who I thought you were, and Nano is here, along with a couple of other very worried people.” He checked his clipboard, “You answered all of the questions, but we’re going to schedule a CAT scan just in case. I’m going to take your vitals now.” Don said.

“Don, we should talk when you’re finished.” Jack said, worrying at his lower lip. Don glanced at him through his eyelashes and nodded. He moved closer to Jack, sitting on the cold hospital bed to place his stethoscope against Jack’s chest. Jack could feel the icy chill of the metal seeping into his chest, it was oddly intimate.

“Deep breath.” Don said, and Jack complied. The air between them felt charged, which made Jack feel guilty again because wasn’t he into Alex? Did he even have Alex as a friend anymore? Jack used the deep breaths to steady his head, waiting until Don was finished before speaking.

“I am not an alcoholic.” Jack said quietly, “I may have drinks but I don’t get blackout drunk all the time. I haven’t had my stomach pumped since senior year of high school when I didn’t know how to drink responsibly.” Don didn’t say anything, letting Jack take the wheels. “The reason I was so irresponsible tonight is because I slept with my best friend and I think he hates me now.” 

“What does he look like?” Don asked thoughtfully,  
“What?” Jack said, taken aback.

“What does your friend Alex look like?” Don asked. Jack was so shocked he replied.

“He has short brown hair and is about six feet, he also has brown eyes.” Don’s expression shut down,

“A man matching that name and description is here, but he claims he is your boyfriend.” Jack bolted upright,

“He what?” Pain lanced through his skull again and he groaned, laying back against the hospital bed to ease the pounding of his head. A memory flashed behind his eyes and he groaned again, “I completely flipped out earlier didn’t I?” He muttered.

“Yes you did, Mr. Barakat.” Don replied, “Now I need to ask you some background questions before your friends and boyfriend can-”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Jack said flatly. “And shoot, I have nothing to hide.” Don looked taken aback for a moment, but nodded and continued proffesionally.

“Do you have a history of drugs?”   
“No.”  
“Are there any diseases or disorders that run in your family?”  
“Not that I know of.”  
“Does alcoholism or addiction run in your family?”   
“No.”  
“Do you have any mental illnesses we should be aware of?”  
“Depression, anxiety and insomnia.” Jack rattled off, Don paused. 

“Well that’s everything I need to know Mr. Barakat, I’ll let your friends know you’re awake.” Don moved towards the door,

“Donnie wait,” Jack called, “Alex isn’t my boyfriend, I don’t know why he said that.” He took a breath and lifted his eyes to meet Don’s green eyes, “Can I still call you when I get out? I promise I’ll explain everything.” He held his breath as Don thought for a moment,

“I like coffee.” He said, then left the room. Jack couldn’t help but smile. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back, he may have a concussion after all. Jack wished he could remember what had happened after he had talked to the bartender, but it was a whirlwind of color and then pain as he fell and darkness. There was a knock at the door a moment later and Jack opened his eyes to see Alex standing in the doorway.

“Hey.” He said quietly, hoping to god this wouldn’t be too awkward. 

“Hi” Alex replied with a tight smile. He moved towards Jack, holding out his favorite pair of sweats, a flannel and a tank top. “I figured you might want to get changed.” Jack slipped out of bed carefully, grabbing the clothed from Alex. He held onto the bed as he stood up and almost ripped off the stupid gown. He slipped on the pair of sweats and the tank before sliding back into bed. 

“We need to talk.” He said. Alex nodded quietly before sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“I don’t want to lose you as a friend Jay,” Alex stared, “and I’m terrified that that’s where we’re going.” Jay sat up carefully and hugged his best friend, the person he was closest to in the entire world.

“I promise you’ll never lose me Lex.” He whispered, “Even if the unimaginable happens to either of us, I will stick with you until the end of time.” Jack felt Alex’s arms wrap around him tightly,

“We’re idiots.” He muttered, “If we’d have just talked about what happened, you never would have ended up here.” Jack leaned back so he could look into Alex’s dark eyes, shining slightly through the tears,

“It takes two to tango,” He said, “Or in this case to avoid talking about said tangoing.” He felt his eyes fill up with tears as well as they both started laughing. Something told Jack that they would make it through this, maybe end up together and maybe stay friends.

Jack was prepared to do anything to make sure they at least stayed friends.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, ya'll sorry for the lack of updates! I just started my freshman year of college and I'm super busy... ANYWAYS... this is going to be the last update until about January.

Chapter 9: I hate worrying about the future, ‘Cause all my current problems are based around the past

 

Alex felt so much better. Patching things up with Jack lifted a weight off his shoulders that made him feel like he could stand up straighter. But he still had hatchets to bury with people that didn't want to and couldn't deal with him. And it was sort of really fucking him up in the worst possible way. But he was ignoring the feelings of not belonging and loneliness that seemed to confine him.

 

It wasn’t a big deal, he reasoned with himself. But it still hurt to be so widely hated by people he had once considered his friends. He knew he’d fucked up and he just wanted a second chance to fix everything. Alex didn’t want to give excuses he just wanted them to really listen to what he had to say. He often felt unheard, and that often made him feel unwanted and those feelings warped his personality. 

 

Instead of the outgoing person he’d once been he became quiet and overly reserved. There were so many things that Jack didn’t know about Alex because Alex wouldn’t bring himself to say anything. And Alex couldn’t help sometimes feeling undermined by Jack’s attempts to comfort and console him. Jack would try to relate to Alex, and it sort of washed away anything Alex said. Of course, they’d talked about what Jack was doing, and it was completely unintentional.

 

Jack, really couldn’t tell when he was doing it and Alex always tried his best to not get upset, but most of the time Alex felt destroyed. And he bottled everything up to the point of having panic attacks alone in his room because someone yelled at him. It was pretty much a vicious cycle that Alex couldn’t escape, but he tried to ignore it. That was probably more than half of the problem.

 

Alex was thinking too hard about it all and it was distracting. He had promised to take Jack home, since there had been an emergency at the shop. And of course no one wanted to be in the same room as him except Jack and Nano. So, they all kind of said awkward farewells after Jack had his cat scans and left Jack to ultimately fend for himself. Of course, none of them acknowledged Alex's existence. Alex laughed it off when Jack gave him a sideways glance. 

 

“Hey,” Jack had prodded gently, “are you okay?” Alex wanted to say that no, he really wasn't okay. That he hadn’t felt so unwanted since he was 16. But instead he smiled and responded, “Yeah, they’ll come around eventually.” Jack seemed to let out a breath he was holding in and swung his arm around Alex’s shoulder. “Let’s go sign me out,” Jack exclaimed, Alex cheered and led the way out of the hospital room.

 

***  
Nano decided that he was going to stay with Jack while he got back on his feet and Alex didn’t even say anything in return. He understood that he wasn’t part of this healing process, not really. Alex was to blame for Jack’s actions and since no one had told him otherwise, he figured that he must be right. If he was wrong, he assumed someone would’ve told him. But no one was even really talking to him to begin with.

 

He shook the thoughts away and hugged Jack good-bye. Alex’s heart hurt a lot and he didn't really know why, except that it definitely wasn't anything physically wrong with him. Alex pulled away from the embrace and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Alex smiled at Nano, and was pulled him into a bone crushing hug. That was something he hadn't really been expecting but relished in the comfort he received. 

 

It was a hard goodbye. But Alex had to suck it up, he was so sick of crying over what seemed like nothing. He left and walked all the way home. It was raining really hard, just how Jack liked it. Alex was thinking a lot about Jack. It was conflicting. He didn’t know if it was normal to think about someone, as much as he thought about Jack. Alex figured that he would ignore these thoughts for as long as possible until they became a plausible problem.

 

That night Alex didn't sleep, not really. His thoughts were consumed by worry. He went to bed at 6 am to wake up at 9am. And during those three brief hours he didn't rest. He woke up feeling like he hadn't slept at all. He tried to remember why he woke up so early. His profession allowed flexibility. Alex rolled over to ignore his alarm. He’d never hated Dirty Little Secret more in his entire life. 

 

He huffed out in frustration and unlocked his phone to turn the alarm off. Being awake hadn’t felt this bad in a long time. Then his phone chimed indicating a notification from his calendar. Doctors appointment @ 10:30 am. “Fucking shit fuck,” Alex groaned and hoped that this was all a dream. Of course it wasn’t. He hadn’t been pestered to talk to anyone about his problems since he’d gone to college and gotten his bachelors in graphic design. 

 

Alex remembered passing through the student center and seeing a table set up. The main purpose was to check student moods. He had known that he needed help, that he probably needed to go on a mood stabilizer. How could he continue to live his life in a cycle of ups and downs? Alex had filled out the form and handed it back to the woman manning the table. He was surprised when she had asked him to follow her. 

 

She had introduced herself as Dr. Hart when they finally sat down in a cleared out conference room. Alex introduced himself as well, and took a seat when she motioned towards two chairs facing each other. He had sat down and masked his anxiousness. “ By the looks of this survey,” she had begun, “It looks like you’ve had suicidal thoughts in the last two weeks.” Alex had smiled, swallowed down his nerves and spoken up, “ yeah but for the most part I ignore them, I know that it’s actually pretty dumb. “ 

 

She had nodded and scribbled something down, then returned to look at the paper. “It says here that you have tried to kill yourself before,” she had said cautiously. Alex had crossed his legs and leaned back in the chair again, smiling he responded, “ Yeah when I was fourteen, but I couldn't do it. I also used to self harm but I started to see a therapist and he calls every Monday.” Alex had gulped remembering how he used to be. 

 

Dr. Hart had reeled him back into the conversation,” You also seem to be very anxious all the time.” Alex had nodded and elaborated on his written response, “ Yeah I get nervous all the time.” Dr. Hart had looked back down at the paper before asking, “ Does anything make you feel this way?” Alex had shaken his head while he answered,” Not really.” She had hummed a little before responding, “Oh, that’s generalized anxiety.”

 

Alex had known that, he’d researched it before. He had been desperate to find out why he he felt the way he did. She had nodded and flashed him a tight lipped smile, before asking, “are you a freshman?” Alex had nodded and she went on to explain about the school's counseling services. She had been adamant about him making an appointment. “I’m worried about you and want you to get better,” she had spoken sincerely, her eyebrows scrunching together. 

 

Alex had shifted in his seat uncomfortably and uncrossed his legs. Dr.Hart had handed him her card and a pamphlet about the counseling services. “we could have an appointment right now,” she had insisted, watching him carefully as he looked down at her card. Alex had looked up at her and made eye contact. “ I can’t or I’ll be late to my next class and that’ll make me anxious,” Alex had explained standing up. She had told him to “please, call we want to help you,” and let Alex leave. 

 

He shuddered at the memory and got out of bed. Alex shivered as his bare legs were exposed, or maybe it was something else that made him shudder so violently. Alex decided he’d be better off just sucking it up. 

 

***

 

Okay, so the appointment hadn’t gone as well as he’d hoped.The psychiatrist asked him too many personal questions too quickly, and Alex decided he wasn’t going to see them anymore. He stepped out of the building huffing, just so he could watch his breaths puff out like smoke. Alex giggled as his breath dissipated into the air. It was the small things that made him happy, like a 3 inch height difference. And there he went again, thinking about Jack.

 

Alex shook his head hoping the thoughts would tumble out his ears onto the pavement that was rushing underneath him as he walked briskly to the nearest supermarket. He had suddenly felt a spark of energy and decided he wanted to cook something. He didn't know what yet, but he was totally okay with it. He just needed to stop thinking so much. Alex needed to to fill his head with something besides Jack. 

 

The doors opened as Alex slowed down to walk through them normally. The fluorescent light hurt his eyes. He squinted reflexively and stumbled into someone. Alex caught the other person’s arm before they fell. “I’m so sorry,” Alex spit out apologetically. “It’s okay,” they answered as they straightened themselves out. Alex let go of their arm and blushed in embarrassment. 

 

“I’m Lisa,” the stranger giggled out extending her arm to shake Alex’s hand. He was confused for a second, because of how formal she was. “Uh, I’m Alex,” he mumbled grasping her hand in his. The shook hands, and without much else to do Alex tried to circumvent her and get to the frozen foods section, because social interaction tended to make him tired. But she blocked him, and asked, “are you planning on cooking for you girlfriend?” 

 

Suddenly Alex knew exactly where this was going and he wasn’t sure if he liked it. He realized he need to move on, but he didn’t know from who? Who caused the heartbreak he felt? “Uh,” Alex breathed out, “No?” Lisa’s expression seemed to relax considerably. She let a content smile graced her face. Alex reasoned with himself. She had a nice smile and she seemed to be interested in him. He couldn’t really see a downside in a little flirting or even a coffee date. 

 

“Can I give you my number?” Alex asked, “Maybe I could plan on cooking for you?” Alex tried his hardest not to cringe at how terrible that pick up line was. He felt like she was going to say no. But instead she smiled and held out her phone to him. He fished around in the pockets of his jacket for his phone. Once he found it they traded phones. “I’ll text you” she as she winked. Then she walked around him and right out the door. 

 

Alex blinked a few times trying to process what had happened. Normally, things didn’t go that smoothly for him. Usually, he wouldn’t of said anything but he did and things actually worked out. He shook himself out of his thoughts and made his way to the frozen food section. He grabbed a box of frozen pizza. He didn’t even bother choosing a specific kind. Alex felt a sudden urgency to leave.

 

The line was long and all he wanted to do was pay for the pizza. He decided that if he was going to wait in a line that long he was going to get some cookies out of it. He went towards the dairy section. Alex picked up the first tub he saw, then made his way back to the cash register, the line was noticeably shorter when he got back and he commended himself for his decision. The line moved quickly, he paid for his things, and left.

 

While he had been in the store the sky had grown dark and fat droplets had begun to fall. He tried to hail a cab in a feeble attempt to not get soaked but his efforts were futile. By the time he had finally hailed one he was dripping water all over the faux leather interior of the cab. Alex sputtered out his address before hugging himself trying to keep warm. The ride seemed longer than usual and it all had to do with how cold he was.

 

Alex got home and collapsed on his couch. He sunk into the soft cushions, his worries sinking further into his muscles and bones. He contemplated picking his bags off of the floor where he left them. He contemplated taking off his wet clothes. He contemplated calling Jack. He contemplated many things but did none. Alex’s eyes closed as he wished he could change, as he wished he could be someone else, as he wished he could figure out what he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A REMINDER: this is going to be the last update until about January.

**Author's Note:**

> We have decided that this story has reached its end! thank you os much for reading it and giving us kudos ily so much!!!


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